I have trouble being straightforward. In many of the blogs posts I have written in the past that pertain to my life, I tend to try and make everything as general as possible. I want to be specific here though, because it’s the only way I’m going to be able to understand what I’m going through.
First things first, I am not PMS’ing. Just to make that clear.
Okay.
The past week (and certain parts of the past month) has been difficult for me. I entered sophomore year getting into my college’s Glee Club. That was a huge thing for me. Ever since I heard about Occidental College, ever since I knew there was a Glee Club, I was certain it was what I wanted to do. And getting in this year (after failing to do so last year) made me so happy that my confidence shot up and I thought I could do anything.
So I tried out for the Cheer Team. And I got into that too. It was less because of my abilities and more because they didn’t have very many people, but I still went out and did it. Not that it fit my schedule. I had to drop it pretty soon after I found out I made it, because my desire to be in Glee trumped my desire to do Cheer.
Furthermore, I had other plans for the year. I wanted to rush a sorority, Delta, which I have now done. Being in a sorority doesn’t really suit my character. In fact, it is completely outside my comfort zone, but that’s the reason I did it. I want to meet new people, branch out, grow. So that’s what I’m going to do, and I know it’s going to be fun, and I’m excited, but underneath all of that, I’m not the happiest I have been.
But more on that later.
I am involved in a club called Dance Production which, you guessed it, is where I can dance. And I am also involved with Boxing Club, where I am an e-board member. These two activities are more what I like to do, because they’re things I wanted to do a year ago, kind of like Glee. But Glee is new this year. So is being in a sorority. And this is where my unhappiness comes in.
It isn’t the time commitment to these activities, and it isn’t my hesitation to be involved in these activities that is making me unhappy, because they are things I really want to do. However, I have distanced myself from my friends because I have less time for them. And my snobby attitude makes me too stubborn to want to really do anything about it. If my friends aren’t going to involve me, why should I try to hang out with them?
But then, I love them. I love my friend group. Last year, even though it was difficult at times, we did pretty much everything together. We ate together, we hung out on the weekends, we talked, we danced. Sometimes, we would just be sitting around in a common room, but even that was fun because we were together.
We’ve lost that this year. Or, at least, I’ve lost that. I’m too scared to figure out what’s happening. We have a group chat but that doesn’t give me the connection I want. The connection I long for. I’m making new friends in Glee and Delta, but I’m losing my old ones. It’s not like these activities are really taking me away from them, though. Part of it is because of what’s in my head.
First, I was too stubborn to be the one to have to plan everything. I was scared if I tried to plan something, it probably wouldn’t work out very well, and I was just tired of waiting around for people to show up.
But then the days slowly went by—days turned into weeks, and now it’s been a month.
A month. Gone.
I have never felt so far away from a group of people I used to see everyday. I want to go back to the way things were; I want to be close to them. But it is really difficult for me, and I’m trying to figure out why. I keep telling myself, maybe it’s because I was never close with them in the first place; I was never important to them; I was never really their friend. I keep telling myself that maybe it’s just not worth it.
Then I think about this fear I have always had. All my life, I’ve never really been close to anyone. I’ve never really told anyone anything. Yes, I tell stories, and yes I’ll answer people’s questions. But I hold back a lot—information, opinions, personality—because I am incapable of accepting that people could like me if they knew the real me.
The real me would have so much more to say. The real me would try to include everyone. The real me would share secrets and keep them in return.
But the me I am now hides. The me I am now fears trying to re-establish relationships because I don’t know if my friends will accept me back. The me now is apprehensive about trying to include everyone and plan activities because fear makes me believe no one will want to join.
The me now—even after getting into Glee, Cheer, Delta—lacks one of the most important traits someone could possess:
Confidence.
I want to change the me I am now into the me I want to be. And that includes becoming friends with my friends, again. I hope, then, that I will be happy.
First things first, I am not PMS’ing. Just to make that clear.
Okay.
The past week (and certain parts of the past month) has been difficult for me. I entered sophomore year getting into my college’s Glee Club. That was a huge thing for me. Ever since I heard about Occidental College, ever since I knew there was a Glee Club, I was certain it was what I wanted to do. And getting in this year (after failing to do so last year) made me so happy that my confidence shot up and I thought I could do anything.
So I tried out for the Cheer Team. And I got into that too. It was less because of my abilities and more because they didn’t have very many people, but I still went out and did it. Not that it fit my schedule. I had to drop it pretty soon after I found out I made it, because my desire to be in Glee trumped my desire to do Cheer.
Furthermore, I had other plans for the year. I wanted to rush a sorority, Delta, which I have now done. Being in a sorority doesn’t really suit my character. In fact, it is completely outside my comfort zone, but that’s the reason I did it. I want to meet new people, branch out, grow. So that’s what I’m going to do, and I know it’s going to be fun, and I’m excited, but underneath all of that, I’m not the happiest I have been.
But more on that later.
I am involved in a club called Dance Production which, you guessed it, is where I can dance. And I am also involved with Boxing Club, where I am an e-board member. These two activities are more what I like to do, because they’re things I wanted to do a year ago, kind of like Glee. But Glee is new this year. So is being in a sorority. And this is where my unhappiness comes in.
It isn’t the time commitment to these activities, and it isn’t my hesitation to be involved in these activities that is making me unhappy, because they are things I really want to do. However, I have distanced myself from my friends because I have less time for them. And my snobby attitude makes me too stubborn to want to really do anything about it. If my friends aren’t going to involve me, why should I try to hang out with them?
But then, I love them. I love my friend group. Last year, even though it was difficult at times, we did pretty much everything together. We ate together, we hung out on the weekends, we talked, we danced. Sometimes, we would just be sitting around in a common room, but even that was fun because we were together.
We’ve lost that this year. Or, at least, I’ve lost that. I’m too scared to figure out what’s happening. We have a group chat but that doesn’t give me the connection I want. The connection I long for. I’m making new friends in Glee and Delta, but I’m losing my old ones. It’s not like these activities are really taking me away from them, though. Part of it is because of what’s in my head.
First, I was too stubborn to be the one to have to plan everything. I was scared if I tried to plan something, it probably wouldn’t work out very well, and I was just tired of waiting around for people to show up.
But then the days slowly went by—days turned into weeks, and now it’s been a month.
A month. Gone.
I have never felt so far away from a group of people I used to see everyday. I want to go back to the way things were; I want to be close to them. But it is really difficult for me, and I’m trying to figure out why. I keep telling myself, maybe it’s because I was never close with them in the first place; I was never important to them; I was never really their friend. I keep telling myself that maybe it’s just not worth it.
Then I think about this fear I have always had. All my life, I’ve never really been close to anyone. I’ve never really told anyone anything. Yes, I tell stories, and yes I’ll answer people’s questions. But I hold back a lot—information, opinions, personality—because I am incapable of accepting that people could like me if they knew the real me.
The real me would have so much more to say. The real me would try to include everyone. The real me would share secrets and keep them in return.
But the me I am now hides. The me I am now fears trying to re-establish relationships because I don’t know if my friends will accept me back. The me now is apprehensive about trying to include everyone and plan activities because fear makes me believe no one will want to join.
The me now—even after getting into Glee, Cheer, Delta—lacks one of the most important traits someone could possess:
Confidence.
I want to change the me I am now into the me I want to be. And that includes becoming friends with my friends, again. I hope, then, that I will be happy.